 | Bonus Days - if you get them. |
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In the last two years since my beloved sister died at age 48, I have learned two very important life lessons.
1. I need to be my authentic self as much as possible. I can't continually change who I am depending on my audience. I'm not for everyone, and I embrace this. 2. I need to know how to provide self care. No one else can or should be responsible for how I take care of myself. And this is way beyond massages, but truly living a life that is purposely and intentional in everything I do. A great friend suggested this PodCast to me a few months ago when I was feeling down. If you don't have 30-minutes to listen to it, here are some bullets:
1) Setting boundaries and learning to deal with guilt. 2) Developing self-compassion. Actually paying attention to how you talk to yourself. 3) Principle three is getting clear on your values. 4) Then the fourth principle is that this is actually power.
I sat down with my husband over a glass of wine, and we wrote out our plan:
1. Learn to set (healthy) boundaries.
2. Develop self-compassion
3. Set our family's clear values
4. Creating decision-making drivers
So this week, what does self care look like?
We are far from perfect, but changing the way we live, work and make decisions feels like a step in the right direction. Chris and I bought mopeds this spring.... their names are "Mint Eastwood" and "Sondra Locke'd Up" (respectively) My ride maxes out at about 23 mph., while Chris' is much faster.
A few weeks ago we arrived at a stoplight while a person on a motorcycle pulled up behind us. I explained to him over the "roar" of our engines that we top out in 20s. Instead of passing us, he held back the car traffic all along Rainbow Drive for many blocks ensuring to keep them all back to protect us. We were all on two wheels while he kept back all the four-wheeled cars from crowding us. Quoting something I looked up because this is something we do with one part earnestness and one part irony, considering our vehicles.... "Motorcyclists, while riding a bike when encountered by other bikers coming from the opposite direction, point out their index and middle finger of their left hand towards the ground. This is a way of expressing respect towards the other motorcyclist. It’s our way of saying, “Hello! Keep the rubber side down, keep both wheels on the ground”. It signifies that the rider is wishing the fellow rider to stay safe and ride safe." Who has you covered when the traffic of your life is growing behind you? Who holds back a threat of danger no matter how inconsequential the situation is to themselves? Good People. Iowans. Nope. You can't physically pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Don't believe it? Give it a go. Put on some boots, grab the straps, and try to pull yourself off the ground. It won't work because, well, gravity. Pulling yourself up requires relying on something—or someone—else. Everyone needs help. But the idea the expression is now meant to point to—that a single individual can succeed through their own work, with no help from anyone else—is completely untrue. The expression "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" was originally used to refer to a task that's impossible. It's believed to come from the German author Rudolf Erich Raspe, who wrote about a character who pulled himself out of a swamp by pulling his own hair. I was in a large meeting a few months ago, and speaker lead an experiment. He held up different signs and if you agreed with the statements, you went the left side of the room. If you disagreed with the statement, you went to the right of the room. It was purely meant to show diversity of thought is a good thing. But one thing stood out to me. He held up a sign that said, "I believe with hard work, anyone can be successful without help from others." Interesting, the demographics were pretty clear. Most of the white, straight men went to the left of the room. They looked proud that they had worked hard, and with no help from others, had achieved success. On the right side of the room, it was full of women, people of color, LGBTQ+ and people with disabilities. All people who knew that their success was done not in spite of their own doing, but because they got help somewhere along the way. Here's a little story: The Monopoly Experiment One experiment invited pairs of strangers to play a rigged Monopoly game where a coin flip designated one player rich and one poor. The rich players received twice as much money as their opponent to begin with; as they played the game, they got to roll two dice instead of one and move around the board twice as fast as their opponent; when they passed “Go,” they collected $200 to their opponent’s $100. At the end of the game, when researchers asked the rich players why they had won the game, not one person attributed it to luck, revealing a fundamental bias that most humans share, When something good happens to you, we think about the things that we did that contributed to that success. The researcher said, "I think across all people, it's universally true that there are things that you benefit from that you did not contribute to. There are things that you benefit from that you did not build; there are things that you benefit from that you did not make. You benefit from the roads that are built, from people that have helped you along the way, from the mentors that you accidentally found yourself in the same classroom with." This isn't to say that hard work doesn't matter; it's just to say that it's not the only thing. No one pulls themselves up by their bootstraps. No one can.  I recently resigned from a job. A good friend told me years ago, when you know it's time to go, you know. It was time. Last night I wrote six thank you notes: - To my dad who has patiently not given me advice, but gentle nudges and encouragement. He recently said, "Well I think we all keep learning until we die." I needed to hear it. - To a mentor I've known for 25 years who took time over the last few years (since my sister's Steph's death) to check in on me via e-mail and have lunch from time to time. He kept reminding me that I was okay. I needed to hear it. - To a female mentor I've know for 25 years who told me regarding my decision to leave a job, "It's not quitting. It's putting your personal and professional needs first." I needed to hear it. - To a family member who I haven't talked to in years, who took my call immediately and gave me legal advice when I needed it. I needed to hear it. - To a dear friend who said, "It's time for you to leave," when I explained my situation. With tears in both our eyes, I knew it was true. I needed to hear it. - To someone I admire who saw my situation and helped me find a path to leave. I appreciate it more than they will ever know. Who can you thank today? I bet if you reached out, the person would remember it for a long time. A little bit of thanks and acknowledgement that we are all here to help each other, can go a long way in life. Stay tuned for big news about my next career move. Hello!
I've been off Facebook for three weeks. It's the best thing I've ever done. While I know I'm not the first to do this... it is the first time I EVER thought that was possible for ME. And this is what that new feeling means to me.
Thanks for following along. Best, Sarah My mom, Dorothy, was a dreamer. She loved starting projects. The ones that come to mind:
It seemed to give my mom joy to start things new and give it a go. She didn't always (or rarely) completed the projects. It didn't seem to bother her. I've started to get a little crafty myself. I don't have any sewing skills. But I was willing to try. Recently, I've heard that if you want to put yourself out there, then try thinking, "I'm not afraid to be seen trying." That can get you past most embarrassing new adventures. Guess what? I tried using the sewing machine. I had offers to help me learn. And, sewing machines are just not for me. I'm selling the beloved 70s Bernina 830 sewing machine in hope it give the next "Dorothy" a place to start projects that she may never finish. I hope it brings her joy to start projects she may never finish. Miss you, mom. Here's to trying new things and not worrying about if they get completed. Find joy in the moment.  Last August, I was feeling strong physically. I was working out at Orange Theory twice a week. I had biceps! I was seeing a mental health therapist (still am) and had so many new tools to help adjust my emotions. And with my new attitude in life, I was ready for an adventure! Chris and I were driving through Dubuque, and a car was stranded in the middle of the road. Chris had recovered last winter from a terrible back injury, so I said, "Babe - don't get out. I'll help!" This was a big deal for one reason. 1. Prior to this, I would have never offered help it involved risking my own life in any way. In the middle of a busy street! I was much safer inside the minivan with Chris. I mean, I've survived cancer so far. Why risk it? But my new instinct was to jump in and help. So, I yelled "I'm coming to help! I'm an old white lady. I'll help!" We got it done. four strangers pushing two people in a car to safety. I did it NOT to be a Karen. But to be a BETH. More on that later. #BethDuttonGoals #Yellowstone  It felt awesome. Two of my strengths merged: Achiever (get it done) and Belief (Gotta do the right thing).
Thanks for following along.  My beautiful mother loved these Christmas "settings." She loved getting them out at Christmas time. She loved the little bears under the tree.
Me. Not so much. But when it was time to downsize at my parent's home, long after her death, the plates ended up with me. And it was a bunch of plates and cups. I think it was enough for 12 settings plus a bunch of accessories. It took up a lot of storage space. They have been in storage for 20 years maybe. I've never used them. Not once. I don't like them. But I could not throw or give them away -- my mom cherished them! New thought - let's find someone new to cherish them. I didn't care what the plates were worth financially. I wanted to find them the right, new home. Immediately. So, I took them to Stuff Etc. (a consignment shop). But they were out of bins to put your items into. So they wouldn't take the dishes that day. Bummer. Instead of hauling them home...I saw this nice older lady eye-balling my Christmas China. I said, "Do you like them You can have it?" And she did. I carried them to her car. We were both beaming. New home found. Sometimes you also have to let people go. People may come in to your life like a sunrise--bright at the beginning. Sometimes they are like a sunset--warm and over too soon. Also, try a Facebook break. I recently deactivated my account--it's been so freeing. Today I reached out to two close friends by text. Neither of them are on Facebook--i bet I would not have done that last year. Now, I'm far from perfect or a purist. Chris has Facebook, so find him there for pictures of our wonderful life. Peace. I have had a personal transformation following my sister's death. I admit that I see everything differently now. In some ways it's better -- like I'm living just a little larger. Laughing a little longer. And in other ways it's hard. Tears still pop into my eyes at work when my eyes scan past a photo of Stephanie. And I know that I'll never have another new experience with her. And that is slowly becoming okay. I'll be starting up this blog again to process what I've learned over the last few years. One reason for the renewed writing is a nudge from my personal friend and spiritual guide, Rev. Johnny Jansen. He asked me to draw one word from a bucket of words to focus on for the year. My word is SHARE. So I'm going to use this platform to share my story. "Big life changes" actually change you. Repeat. Big life changes change YOU. A huge shift in my thinking lately is around processing emotions. And, I've learned that "Anger is never a primary emotion." Anger is always brought "to the party" by another emotion.  The graphic above is artwork by Emma Dewitt. The word Anger has bubbled up, but the words underneath are Frustrated, Grumpy, Insecure, Sad, Jealous, Overwhelmed, Offended, Exhausted, Annoyed, Guilt, Worried, Disappointed, Anxious) others could be feeling not hear, feeling dismissed, feeling not trusted, feeling grief over loss of a person or dream."
And when I can name the underlying feeling, it gives me the power. I can figure out what is IN my control to avoid that feeling again if I don't want to appear angry or mad. Hint: boundaries are helpful. Often, when I encounter someone who is angry now, I feel bad for them. I try to stop and try to empathize with them. Which word is bubbling up? And it's ALWAYS SOMETHING ELSE. It's usually something sad. So, ironically, the name of my blog is "So Mad I Started a Blog" because I was angry that day. I admit, I did not know how to process my emotions then and I'm still learning now. My counselor taught me this "trick" and I'm grateful. When Chris helped me start this blog I was mad. Mad as hell. But who invited mad to my party? Grief. The loss of the type of little boy I thought we'd have. The son who should have been happy, instead of miserable for the first years of his life. It was also called scared. Scared for what the future would hold for our whole family. What I've learned is there will always be transformations in my life, and that's good. That means we are living. "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."
Maya Angelou Imagine, if you believed someone the first time they showed you their true self. If you truly believed them at the first sign they show you that you are not good enough. Hint: Don't believe that you aren't good enough. But do believe them that it's their belief. And move on. Imagine the heartache it would erase. No more back and forth. No more wondering what they think. No more wondering if you are good enough. You are. It's that simple. You are good enough. |