In the last two years since my beloved sister died at age 48, I have learned two very important life lessons.

1. I need to be my authentic self as much as possible. I can't continually change who I am depending on my audience. I'm not for everyone, and I embrace this. 

2. I need to know how to provide self care. No one else can or should be responsible for how I take care of myself. And this is way beyond massages, but truly living a life that is purposely and intentional in everything I do. 

A great friend suggested this PodCast to me a few months ago when I was feeling down. 

If you don't have 30-minutes to listen to it, here are some bullets:

• Real self-care takes real systemic change
  
• "Our world is pretty much constantly on fire."

The four principles are:
1) Setting boundaries and learning to deal with guilt.
2)  Developing self-compassion. Actually paying attention to how you talk to yourself.
3) Principle three is getting clear on your values. 
4) Then the fourth principle is that this is actually power. 

I sat down with my husband over a glass of wine, and we wrote out our plan:

1. Learn to set (healthy) boundaries.

• Think of it as a pause
• Make space for yourself
• Learning to deal with guilt
• Set boundaries when you're calm
• Be gracious
• Thank the person for thinking of you and remain kind.
• Say no to the task but yes to the person e.g I'd love to help you but I don't have time for that task right now.
• Avoid over explaining
• .A simple no is enough. No is a sentence.
• Boundaries and ending relationships are not a personal failure

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2. Develop self-compassion

• The way you talk to yourself matters
• Be kind to yourself, give yourself grace
• Anger is never a primary emotion (what is causing it?)
• Identify positive learnings from past relationships
• Boundaries are not a failure

3. Set our family's clear values

• Stop rushing
• Set clear boundaries when people hurt us (fool me once)
• Top priority - our family and people we take care of (we keep a list)
• Mutual respect and mutual effort put into the relationship (does it feel balanced?)
• Disability rights
• LGBTQ+ rights
• Black Lives Matter (supporting BIPOC communities)
• Helping people with cancer
• Helping the underserved
• Giving people a hand up
• Fighting oppressive systems and calling it out
• Loving Mother Earth - Upcycling, composting, caring for plants, helping nature grow

4. Creating decision-making drivers

• It’s more important to make hundreds and thousands of good decisions instead of one big decision
• We vote with political votes
• We vote with our dollars
• We vote when we decide with who and how we spend our time

So this week, what does self care look like? 

1. Spending time a a thrift store and buying clothes for people we take care of, I wander and meander for hours looking for just the right piece of clothes for each person we take care of (outside our immediate family, there are about 12 on the list who we get to "mom" on from time to time)
2. Collecting local wild flower seeds from my neighborhood and the forest to store for the winter and make a rain garden next spring
3. Learning how to compost my table scraps to make the best dirt in the spring from my rain garden next spring
4. Creating fun TikToks and seeing which ones take off and learning why - always keep learning
5. Ordering a salad at Panera with no lettuce/greens but extra chicken - that's how I like it (hint: extra chicken, egg, bacon, feta, Greek goddess dressing - I order it off the kid's meal at Panera). 
6. Riding mopeds with my husband as often as we can
7. Playing weekly darts with a couple every Thursday night
8. Beating my husband at Spades every Friday night with another couple of friends
9. Listening to music as much as possible (in my ear or throughout the house with our Sonos system and Apple Music
10. Talking to my mental health therapist every other week
11. Trying not to take anything personally (this one is hard for me)
12. Saying hi to people I know in public (today it was a former band teacher and a breast cancer survivor)
13. Calling my dad every time that I think of it
14. Writing this blog
15. Looking for ways I can make a big impact in this world - and especially our country 
16. Balancing caring for our home and yard as a group effort by our whole family 
17. Keeping track of our spending plan and helping others set up spending plans
18. Taking a deep breath
19. Slowing down and committing as a family to not rushing anywhere for anything
20. Hugging my kids every day and telling them that I love them

We are far from perfect, but changing the way we live, work and make decisions feels like a step in the right direction.

Chris and I bought mopeds this spring.... their names are "Mint Eastwood" and "Sondra Locke'd Up" (respectively) My ride maxes out at about 23 mph., while Chris' is much faster.

A few weeks ago we arrived at a stoplight while a person on a motorcycle pulled up behind us.

I explained to him over the "roar" of our engines that we top out in 20s.
 
Instead of passing us, he held back the car traffic all along Rainbow Drive for many blocks ensuring to keep them all back to protect us. We were all on two wheels while he kept back all the four-wheeled cars from crowding us.

Quoting something I looked up because this is something we do with one part earnestness and one part irony, considering our vehicles.... 

"Motorcyclists, while riding a bike when encountered by other bikers coming from the opposite direction, point out their index and middle finger of their left hand towards the ground. This is a way of expressing respect towards the other motorcyclist. It’s our way of saying, “Hello! Keep the rubber side down, keep both wheels on the ground”. It signifies that the rider is wishing the fellow rider to stay safe and ride safe." 

Who has you covered when the traffic of your life is growing behind you? Who holds back a threat of danger no matter how inconsequential the situation is to themselves? 

Good People. Iowans.